My (37F) boyfriend is severely depressed and hasn’t worked in a year. I’m struggling with resentment while trying to be supportive.
I (37F) have been with the LOML for going on four years, living together for 3.5 in the home he owns. I’m an engineer, he (40M) was a lawyer, we were a DINK couple up until January 2024. No debt beyond his mortgage. Sounds grand, right? Always way more to things than what they may seem.
My boyfriend’s mental health journey has been difficult. Before we were together back in 2020, while working as a law firm partner, he experienced depression and suicidal ideation for the first time during the pandemic. He left his firm due to burnout, thinking a less stressful job would help. He went to work for the county, but by 2022, the dark thoughts returned. We briefly separated in early 2023 (like 2 wks) when he hit a breaking point and quit the county job. He found a WFH position hoping it would be easier, but throughout all of this, he refused to get professional help.
By January 2024, he was suicidal again. We agreed he’d take a sabbatical, and I’d cover all the bills. He felt better for about a month and insisted he didn’t need help or medication – he just needed to work for himself (his plan was to become an influencer within six months). Predictably, the dark thoughts returned. He finally agreed to get help and started on an SSRI and stimulant. While he’s improved, he’s nowhere near where he hoped to be. He often tells me he’d be dead if I hadn’t stepped up.
I love him deeply and want to help, but the resentment is creeping in. I feel awful about this because he never asked me to pay any bills for the first two years, allowing me to become debt-free (I worked and contributed to the household though). However, it’s exhausting doing all the “adulting.” I work 40-60 hours weekly, managing bills, food, utilities, and home repairs. He spends most days on the couch. He doesn’t help around the house, and when I ask him to do something, it takes days to get done – so I’ve stopped asking.
The situation is complicated by the fact that we’re not married. His house (a fixer-upper) is deteriorating because he won’t address issues. It took him 1.5 years to schedule a new roof, leading to extensive water damage. He’s now asking me for money weekly instead of bi-weekly. He had to stop seeing his psychiatrist due to the fact that he didn’t know that his insurance was out of network, and now he has a $1,000 bill he can’t pay. I’ve given him a list of in-network providers, but he “doesn’t want to deal with it.”
He’s broken down crying twice recently about overdrawing his checking account and has told me he’d rather die than return to work. He calls himself a “piece of shit, deadbeat boyfriend that won’t work.” You can’t force someone to be happy, productive, or motivated, and he doesn’t understand why he can’t be the person he used to be. He’s terrified he’ll never recover.
I know people will say “just leave him,” but it’s not that simple. I tried leaving at Christmas, thinking it might motivate him, but I’m worried about what he might do. Still, this isn’t what I signed up for. I shouldn’t have to drive an old car that rattles and creaks, and live in a run-down house while making great money, especially with a partner who has the potential to earn well. We shouldn’t be eating like college students, shopping penny sales, and never having money to do anything. I’ve blown through my savings on emergent house repairs, so there’s no room in the budget to even go out on date nights because I’m having to replenish my savings. I don’t want to live like this forever, but I’m terrified of what he might do if I really did leave.
TL;DR: Long term boyfriend (40M) hasn’t worked in a year due to mental health, and I’m (37F) paying all of the bills and doing all of the adulting. He wants to be happy, productive, and motivated but says he’d rather die than go back to work.
